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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It annoys my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.